Sunday, June 28, 2009

How to Identify a Hipster

What is a hipster? In the parlance of our times, the word hipster is used to label a set of people who A) generally dress fashionably (perhaps a little TOO fashionably), B) live in an urban setting (perhaps a little TOO urban), and C) hold liberal political views (perhaps... nevermind). There are a few myths about hipsters that I would like to dispel...

Hipsters will not eat your dog. This is an old wives' tale used to create a solid distinction between "us" and "them". Hipsters will not steal your chapstick. I can't really imagine how this one even came into existence, because I know a lot of hipsters, and I leave chapstick laying around all the time, but I have never found it missing (that's an odd phrase - found it missing... a non sequitur).

How do hipsters dress? Imagine a pirate - not a captain, but like a first mate. Now imagine that pirate walking down the sidewalk outside your house. That's it! Hipsters look a lot like pirates. They like to wear deck shoes, long, cutoff jean-shorts that hang just below the knee, exposing the ankle and calf, perhaps a bandanna on the head or around the arm, and a beard, or at least some third-fourth day scruff, and definitely some piercings and tattoos. It's important to remember, however, that hipsters are NOT pirates.

Hipsters are not pirates. A real buccaneer would never be seen driving a Volvo, or wearing a scarf. Likewise, you would never see a swashbuckler riding a scooter. You can't swashbuckle on a scooter, it's too tame. Actually, maybe the connection between pirates and hipsters is why those terrible myths about them stealing your chapstick and eating your dog exist. Ha! I guess a hipster is a scarfy dog. Or maybe they like to scarf some dog. Hm.


skmckinn said...

"Salty dogs." Faces exposed to salty sea spray beg the amelioration of packaged petroleum products, that is, they (their lips, that is) necessitate chapstick. A pirate would borrow it. And return it AFTER he gets back, all sandy and shit.

But *ahem* your chapstick *lies* around. It doesn't *lay* anything.

Bandannas? Really? You've got Punky Brewster Hipsters in St. Louis? PLEASE, lord, don't let that trend get here. I don't even know if I could think cute hipsters were still cute with bandannas.

Digitizdat said...

Ah ha! The Salty Dog connection! Good looking out, Kate!

Yes, I'm afraid I've seen some bandannas, although they're not nearly as prevalent as sweatbands.

Arg, ye scurrrvy grammarian, ye've done popped a bunghole in me port side. I must've proofread this w/me patch eye.